I stumbled upon the entry I wrote at the beginning of the year about setting the space for my 2011 enquiry. I’m still in the midst of it, I can feel that there’s some time yet to have this fully play out. But, I am listening to the the universe and happenschance that I looked at it tonight and thus, updating.

Oh how difficult and sobering and heartening it is to revisit that post. The year was so full of promise and coming out of the last third of 2010 which was horrible, and it overall being a difficult year…. I wanted this year to be amazing. I also knew it would be challenging and it certainly has been. I feel like there have been glimpses of amazing… I hope it means that the really really good stuff is yet to come.

Still, I don’t think this is the update that I wanted to write. It will require me to be a little more personal than I thought I’d be in this space. However, what good is an enquiry if you don’t engage with it? 

I didn’t think I’d engaged with it as much as I have… it hasn’t been as much in the forefront of my mind as past year themes have been. But oh, looking back on what I wrote… there’s been so much to do with this theme going on. So. Very. Much.

Conscious Faith was about my life, how I move through the world, how I run my life and where I direct my energies. I’ve learned *so* much. I’ve shifted and changed so much of what was so at that point in the year. And all of it has been inside the world of trust, sincerity to self and my commitment to my life, to the world around me. I couldn’t be where I am at this point, without that being true.

Where am I with some of the goals I outlined?

• I wanted to continue developing my ability to Listen Actively

It’s hard to describe where I’m at with this, because I feel like I’m better at this, but it is an overall sense rather than specific events I can point to. It’s about an attitude to listening that has become part of my background thought, part of my ordinary, rather than being something I have to employ consciously and with deliberate intent. It has (to my mind) been subsumed into how I move through the world in general.

• I wanted to look at the systems and strategies I employ, and at their effectiveness.

I’ve employed some new systems and they’re new enough that I can’t yet evaluate them. It’s all a work in progress, but I can say that decluttering has been a big part of things. I’m also shifting how I do things in my online spaces so that I can streamline things a little better… it’s not there yet, but I’m thinking about it.

I’d still like mechanisms for being able to keep links together for link salad posting… currently I’m partly using whatever social networking is handy and partly my igoogle task list or just having a bunch of tabs open in my browser. See? Still a work in progress.

• Non fiction reading increase and expansion

If I can count the amount of blog reading, then I can say this is happened. However, I know that I meant books of theorists. I’ve sourced several texts… but with the burnout I haven’t really taken any of them up to read. I’m a little sad about this, I’d still like it to shift and do a little bit of it. I know I’ll enjoy it when I get there… the big thing seems to be starting. Some work to be done there…

• Cooking, being conscious and thoughtful about ingredients and ethical impacts…

This is a hard one. There has been cooking… though not as much as I wanted. I have been conscious and thoughtful about the ingredients and ethics. Am I any closer to a position or being definitive about what works for me? Not a bit. That said, resolution wasn’t a requirement – it’d be a nice bonus though 🙂

• Meaningful conversations with people that will assist with them working through or shifting hard stuff.

This has been a joy and challenge this year. There’s been a lot more of it than I could have conceived. I believe I’ve done well with it, people I’ve had conversations with where there was intentionality and something of a purpose in mind, there was beauty in sharing and moving through conversation and listening. I won’t say more than that save that it is very rewarding and it fills me up inside with light.

The hard with this is in confronting that I perhaps have something to offer, something meaningful that makes a difference. I do, I am learning to trust this and rather than worry about being egotistical I am concentrating on trusting myself and sharing without imposing.

• Goals and wishes and desires…

Oh I’ve been listening. I’ve been acting on things as well. I took a chance on an adventure to Kununurra for a job. It was amazing and heartbreaking. It didn’t work out… but I took a leap of faith and that felt *amazing*. I’m conscious that my time in Perth is drawing to a close, that it’s time to be in a different living space, a different city space and exploring other aspects of myself and my relationships.

Professional goals and wishes have come with some fruition despite the difficulty that was Kununurra. There have been jobs I’ve done and enjoyed. I’ve worked with great teams. I’ve achieved significant and measurable results. I’ve achieved things. I’ve become more aware of what shape my career might take on. It’s still barely shaped… but it’s there and I can feel it starting to come together.

• Making a difference in the world… myself and others. Also here is the space where I wanted to live in accordance with my ideals that ‘we’re all an us’ that ‘anything is possible’

I am making a difference in every moment that I am myself to the best of my ability. Authentically, I am an intense person and I have an enormous impact on my world around me. I am an overflowing well of love, of wonder and of joy shared freely with those around me. I am powerful and driven by my visions for equality, for personhood, for connection, for a greater understanding and appreciation of love. I am someone who motivates and inspires, I lead people and most of all…. I am a Giant.

I am a Giant standing on the shoulders of many other Giants, wanting others to stand on my shoulders to become Giants, all of us reaching for far away stars, creating them with our dreams.

It’s not without stumbles and falls, none of us manage to be our best selves all the time. Sometimes, I am learning, it is our less awesome selves that teach us what being sincere and authentic are really about. It is all about the journey, the destination may yet be grand, but without the journey I have no context with which to value it.

I’ve seen people around me take on amazing projects, start inspiring businesses, speak truth and love, connection and community to people. I’ve been part of some of this and some of it just a witness to it… but oh, I get to be around some of the most amazing people who are making the most amazing difference in the world in so many different and important ways.

• Continue to be my own best friend, to abide my my self dedication vows and promises.

This is a mixed bag in some ways. Or maybe not… I’ve been very conscious of this all year. I started the year in burn out, I’ve discovered a heart-wound as part of my trying to recover my energy reserves (which in part explains why it’s taking so freaking long). Self care and introspection have been strong motivators for me this year. I’ve been working so very hard in my head and in my heart. I’m not done yet. Some of what I’ve been working on has uncovered some really nasty and unhealthy patterns that are not at all keeping with my promises to myself. However, I’m paying that they’re there and working to unhook them and let them go.

• Know connectionism like I know how to breathe…

This has to be one of the gifts I gave myself at the beginning of this year. I swear it’s been one of the key things that’s helped me to deal with all the hard and all the painful stuff. I know my connections like I know how to breathe. I can feel them and I can nurture them. For most of the year the energy has been rushing outwards in some key spaces and that tide is now turning.

In other spaces the flow of energy back and forth has been sublime abundance. I am surrounded by the most amazing loving friends. I cannot for a moment doubt that love and care… And even in the spaces where the energy has been in ebb and it’s mostly been coming from me… there is a special kind of caringness and building that comes from that. It’s not one sided, just held in trust. I’ve been holding close my knowledge of those connections, knowing that tides and energy flows would revert in time. Knowing connectionism has made the hard that much easier to navigate. So unbelievably easier.

This is where I am at just now. I think the summary is really, still all a work in progress. But oh, I can absolutely recognise far more clearly 2011’s theme Conscious Faith in amongst all the stuff going on this year. That’s actually quite satisfying… I’m kind of delighted by the effort my subconscious has clearly made in this area.

As a work in progress I’m very conscious that it also means… there’s still a lot of work to come. But, I have faith in all the ways I’m negotiating my world and beingness. It is all coming together. I’m still learning so very much. I’m seeking recognition and reassurance in different places and I am letting go of my sense of independence as a fortress around me. I must remember that my best strength is always in vulnerability. 

Here’s to the rest of 2011… bring it. I’m all over this.